Hey guys. This one's a bit hard to write, so bear with me if it's not the best written or formatted.
I have depression. Over the last little bit I've been struggling with it, but it was really difficult to actually recognize what I was dealing with. It's.... it's hard to explain, because I thought I had an idea of what it was. You know, sad all the time, sometimes suicidal. That kind of thing. So I guess I was expecting some sort of grand sadness to wash over me if I ever did get depression. That's not what happened at all.
I have.... many insecurities. I'm a classic over-thinker, and it causes me to worry and be anxious over things that even I myself recognize are ridiculous things to think about or worry about. There are all these little.... small things that I've been dealing with over the last few years. They used to pop up every once in a while. Anxiety at X, insecurity about Y, worrying about Z. But they weren't really that common. Like, maybe once a month I'd have a bad stint. Starting.... oh I dunno sometime in September maybe?... they started becoming more frequent. It was a gradual process, where my "normal" just started slipping lower and lower. It's not that I couldn't/can't be happy. Most days I'm happy at some point in fact. But it's that whole feeling that my "normal", you know the mood you kind of settle into after a long day, is not so normal. It's much lower. It's so much easier to slip into these periods of sadness and worry than it was even just a month ago.
So that's why kinda surprised me about depression. I thought it would be all bad, but it hasn't. Like I said, I'm happy frequently still... but I'm also just more frequently sad. And it makes it really weird because when I am happy it's really easy to think: "Nah, it can't be depression because I'm all happy now. It was just a rough patch." But when you keep slipping into those rough patches over, and over, and over again in a small period of time, something is wrong. I have to remind myself of that. Something is definitely wrong. Friends and family have started noticing, and it scares me.
I suppose I thought I could deal with it myself? I've dealt with rough patches and sad stints before by myself, so why not this one? I mean, obviously that's a stupid statement from an outside perspective but this isn't exactly like WHAM DEPRESSION ALERT ALERT IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. It feels like an extended or deepened version of stuff I've dealt with before. So it's hard to admit that I can't just handle it. I can't though. I really can't. I've been trying and I've just been spinning my wheels.
I talked to my family about it yesterday, which was really tough to do. Tougher than I thought. We're a really open family so talking about this kind of stuff isn't a huge deal, but I still had a really hard time getting the words out. Admitting I needed help with it. But I did, and I'm making progress with my family towards seeing someone about this and getting the help that I need in order to beat it. I almost wrote "push the depression back", but I realized that this was kinda what I've been doing for the last few years. I've been pushing things back, fighting them off but never really actually defeating them or overcoming them. I don't want that anymore because I feel like it's all built up to now. I don't want to "reduce" the amount of outbursts, I want to be able to handle them at all times. I want to dig into why I'm getting depressed and work on the causes as opposed to fighting the reaction.
Anyways, it's good for me to write this kind of stuff. I know there are people out there who relate to my story, and it'll not only make me feel better to know about people experiencing similar things, but I also hope that me coming out and talking about it makes people feel less abnormal when they go through things like this. If you feel similarly, or ever feel like you might have depression, please talk to someone about it. These things aren't easy, so don't try and be stubborn like we all are and try and "beat it yourself". We all need help sometimes. Even me, evidently.
Have a great day,RainbowPlasma